a love letter to the inevitable "up"

The phrase, "A love letter to life", has been in my Instagram bio for about a year now -- and I confess that I actually feel a bit guilty about keeping it there.

On social media, we are encouraged to be and present our best selves. To curate and highlight only the best of the best moments that we experience. Despite life being a crazy whirlwind of ups and downs, social media filters out the "bad" images and solely displays the "good" ones.

Obviously, this message is not unique. The whole, "social media is toxic for young people" discussion has been a hot topic since forever. But, as I approach my last year of being a teenager, I seem to recognize it more than ever.

In all honesty, I find myself feeling lonely lately.

It's currently Tuesday, October 24 at 11:46 am. I'm eating Chick-fil-A by myself for lunch, and I'm thinking about all of the things that I still have left to accomplish by the end of the week.

The to-do list never seems to end. Weekends are no longer breaks, and tasks continue to build and pile up.

College is rough. Life isn't easy.

And if I'm choosing to be completely transparent here, I don't actually love my life. In fact, I find it extremely contradictory that I portray myself online as someone who appears to have her shit together. Whenever people compliment my pictures or the "aesthetic" of my feed, I sometimes feel whiplash from the irony of it all.

My Instagram persona isn't actually me... rather, it is a small fraction of my personality that I choose to put on display.

Life has felt extremely messy lately. I've been feeling a little homesick, and I've been arguing with my boyfriend Will a lot more frequently these days. I started taking birth control pills for the first time last month, and my body is still adjusting to it. I've been feeling more emotionally sensitive, and my anxiety seems to be at an all-time high. I've been crying nearly every day.

And despite having multiple papers to write and a continuous line-up of art projects on the horizon, I choose to pause and sit here instead.

I often feel bad about taking time to catch my breath. Even now I think to myself, should I really be blogging when I have a million other things to do?

I have an American Politics exam in two days. I have to meet with my advisor to set up my schedule for next semester. I have to attend four different presentations for my first-year seminar. I have 2D Design work to start, more meetings coming up, and assignments that still need to be finished and turned in.

As you can probably tell, I'm stressed out, haha. Stressed is probably an understatement, actually.

The silver lining of all of this is that I've definitely improved upon my time management skills. Every day, I make it a priority to carve out time for work, friends, and Will... but doing so is not an easy task.

Life is challenging. Waking up, going to class, and being productive is a challenge.

But that's okay. I've been trying to tell myself that feeling overwhelmed is expected, and that needing some air is 100% acceptable.

Time alone is important, and so are breaks.

I admit that I don't really enjoy spending time by myself. I'm an extrovert by nature, and so I often struggle with simply being still in my own skin. I thrive off of other people. I love conversation and contact and being out and about.

Being alone is... something I need to work on. Being alone feels unsettling sometimes, especially because deep down I already feel lonely.

I recognize that I'm not the only one who feels this way. If you're anything like me, know that we're in the same boat -- and that the boat is actually a lot bigger and holds more people than you think.

My birthday is next week. The day after Halloween, on November 1st. And as the transition from 18 to 19 gets closer and closer, it reminds me that everything is temporary.

School will end. Issues will be resolved. Time will pass.

Something that I struggle with grasping is the reassurance that everything will be okay in the end. Though I roll my eyes whenever anyone uses that as a saying of comfort, it remains true.

What's meant to be, will be. I am doing my best to enjoy the now and appreciate the little things. I am doing my best to stand strong on my own.

It's normal to not "love" your life, as it is imperfect and non-linear.

Simply getting up in the morning, in itself, is a win.

You are so, incredibly capable and worth more than your negative feelings.

If you're going through a down point in your life like I am, look forward to the inevitable up that is on its way to you.

Things will get better... for both you and me.

- NK