"change" - my college essay

*I was going through some of my old writing and re-discovered the college essay I wrote during my junior year in high school, haha. To this day, this piece remains to be one of my favorite things that I've written! Lots of metaphors present here... I'm sure my 8th grade English teacher would be proud of me. Anyways, enjoy :)

In our modern world, we like to think that we, as human beings, surpass all other life forms on earth. We have hopes and dreams, wide ranges of gifts and talents, and are unique from others in so many diverse ways. We find purpose and power in knowing that we’re different from the person sitting next to us, and that we’re special from the rest.

And while we are so outstandingly distinct from one another, we are also so incredibly the same. While we do have our own ways of standing out and shining in the dark, something that makes us all human is the simple fact that we live with fear.

Whether it be the monsters under our beds, being alone, or even the idea of death in itself, we as people all have something that makes our skin chill and our stomachs churn.

Though it may sound silly, one of my biggest fears has always been caterpillars.

I’ve never liked bugs, but caterpillars have especially freaked me out for as long as I can remember. Their texture, their shape, the way they move… seeing one on the sidewalk is enough to make me jump and scream. As a little girl, my friends and family would teasingly show me photographs of the disgusting creatures, and sometimes chase me around with one on their finger for a good laugh.

But as I began to shed old skins and mature, I found that my fears had adapted alongside with me.

As giggles on the playground turned into silent study halls, I felt an uncomfortable shift. As the people I had grown up with began drifting into friendly strangers, I felt anxiety build up for the first time. As “cuddle bunnies” with Mommy and Daddy transformed into heated arguments at the dinner table, I felt resentment starting to loom over my household. As grades became letters, goals became expectations, and “do your best” became “you’re not trying hard enough,” I found myself more afraid than ever before.

Midway through high school, I did my best to hide away from the worry. Sitting behind a Zoom screen and wearing both a physical and mental mask whenever I walked out the door, I created a defensive chrysalis to enclose my feelings. For a long time, shielded in my protective walls, the idea of opening up to the newness of the next day was enough to keep me isolated.

But kids grow up, regardless if they want to or not.

And caterpillars don’t have the choice to become butterflies… they just do.

I confess that I am still living amidst my own period of metamorphosis, and that change in itself is what I now fear the most. 

However, as I slowly peek outside of my shell, the light of the future starts to seep through the cracks. As I lean towards the outside to get a closer look at what’s to come ahead, I can feel my delicate wings edging me to go on.

Though this phase in my growth has been painful, I’ve begun to accept and appreciate the ups and downs in life. While being stuck inside an intangible chrysalis, you not only become blind to the outside environment, but also all of the other chrysalises that are attached to the same branch as yours.

All humans live with fear. But at this point in my youth, I've grown to realize that I am not what I fear. While it’s poetic to compare the significance of my life journey to that of an insect, I’m simply a teenager who is growing up and inventing herself. Change is frightening, but it’s also quite beautiful when I look back on where I once was and where I am now. 

Perhaps, caterpillars aren’t as scary as I thought… and that change, despite the uncertainty, is a chance to flutter into a world of new opportunities.

- NK