filling buckets

When I was in kindergarten, I distinctly remember reading a book titled Fill a Bucket.

Just like every other book that you read when you're 5, you don't think about it too much. No one at that age really has the mental capacity to truly grasp the "deeper meaning" behind stories -- but for whatever reason, the message of that book has been on my mind a lot recently.

Fill a Bucket, written by Carol McCloud and Katherine Martin, is a story about kindness. The book educates children on what it means to care for others, and how serving those around you ultimately contributes to your own happiness as well.

The book teaches kids about both giving and receiving. It encourages adolescents to go out of their way to spread joy and "fill the buckets" of the people in their lives. 

The story waters the concept down to this: everyone carries an "invisible bucket". When one's bucket is full, they feel good, and when it's empty, they feel lonely and sad. When you show love and spread positivity, you fill the buckets of those around you -- but when you're mean and hurtful, you empty them.

It's a pretty interesting read. Google it if you haven't heard of it, haha. The pictures are adorable too.

As a little girl, the theme of that book seemed pretty straightforward. If you're deliberately nice to everyone, you'll feel happy in return. 

But, unfortunately, the concept of kindness is a lot more complicated -- and it definitely extends beyond the bucket metaphor.

One time in high school, there was this girl who I knew didn't like me. I wouldn't necessarily say that I was "popular" at the time, but I guess I would say that I was pretty well known. My label as the "art girl" had continued to stick with me after middle school, and while I did have an inner circle and those who supported me, I knew without a doubt that there were a handful of people who disliked me... some disliking me more than others.

Rumors and negative talk go around relatively quickly. Chances are, if you talk shit about someone, they'll hear about it eventually.

And this girl in particular... had a lot of bad things to say about me, despite the fact that I had never even spoken to her before.

I remember during my sophomore year, I was in the middle of math class and left the room for a moment. I needed a break, so I walked out into the hallway -- but after turning a corner, I wound up hearing the sound of someone crying from the bathroom.

Out of concern, I peeked my head in and saw that girl. She was, in fact, crying, and she shakily stood by herself in front of one of the mirrors.

I went up to her and softly asked what was wrong. She continued to break down, unable to speak clearly. I dropped my hall pass on the floor and hugged her... and, to my surprise, she hugged me back.

For about 5 minutes, I comforted her and let her tears soak into the sweater I was wearing. To this day, I'm unsure of why she was upset exactly, but I did my best to soothe her with what I could gather from her body language.

I looked her in the eyes and told her that everything would be okay. She nodded, and once she had calmed herself down, she thanked me for staying with her and we went our separate ways. Later that day, she followed me on Instagram, and she hasn't talked down on me at all since.

I share this not to be self-righteous, lol. Anyone who is struggling is worthy of being helped -- I don't deserve a prize or a trophy for comforting that girl. At the end of the day, everyone is entitled to common kindness, no questions asked.

Thinking back on what happened, it would've been easy for me to ignore that girl upon hearing her cry from a distance. In fact, I think that that's how most people would've responded in that situation.

She had a reputation for bad-mouthing me, so why would I offer her my help? Why would I go out of my way for someone who wouldn't do the same for me in reversed circumstances?

Because here's a simple truth: kindness is not transactional. 

You shouldn't choose to give to others just because you're given something in return. More times than not, showing someone kindness doesn't "fill your bucket" right away.

Last semester, I remember making a study guide for one of my final exams. It was for Effective Composition, and at the time, I had offered to share it with the rest of the class. I collected everyone's emails and sent the study guide to all of the people who wanted to use it.

When I told my friends about it, some of them asked me why I did what I did. Some even told me that I should've charged the students whom I shared the study guide with and that I could've used the opportunity to make some money.

But I shook my head. In my mind, I knew that finals week was a stressful time for everyone. I knew how nervous people were about the test coming up, so I figured I could use my resources to help relieve some of the anxiety that was floating around in that classroom.

I told my friends, "No good deed goes unpunished." And yes, while I could've put a Venmo price on those notes, I knew that my act of compassion, free of any incentive, would help alleviate someone's worry.

Did sharing the study guide really do anything for me? Did my initiative in soothing that girl in the bathroom really reap any personal benefits?

No.

And that's completely, 100% okay. I didn't (and still don't) expect anything in return.

Again, kindness is not transactional.

But it's tough. It can be disheartening when it feels as though your kindness is taken for granted -- it seems like a lot of people, especially nowadays, overlook this gift.

Not to be pessimistic, but life is full of assholes that carry around empty buckets, haha. 

Sometimes, you don't receive a "thank you". Sometimes you don't get the happy, grateful reaction you hoped for.

When all is said and done, I truly believe that everyone, and I mean everyone, should experience generosity in their lives. Everyone deserves to be shown grace.

We're all going through it, and life is hard enough as it is.

In a generation full of judgment, jealousy, and gossip, becoming spiteful and petty isn't exactly difficult. When people do us dirty, it's natural to want to get back at them.

But when we all fall victim to this pattern, we end up just making each other miserable. It eventually grows and festers to become an overall "lose-lose" situation.

Despite feeling like acts of kindness are often in vain, sometimes the real reward of being kind is simply knowing that you're helping others. Sometimes the reward is just knowing that your existence has left a footprint on someone else's path.

We live in a generation that favors convenience above all other things, and bending over backward for people isn't exactly convenient. It takes grit to fill people's buckets. It takes heart and genuine strength to put others before yourself.

Though the central ideas illustrated in Fill a Bucket are arguably cliche and suited for a young audience, I think that we, even as young adults, need to hear them again.

In a harsh reality that is so, incredibly dark, I think we all need to be reminded of the power of kindness.

So say "hi" to someone new today. Compliment a stranger on their outfit. Thank your professor after the lecture is over. Forgive those who speak poorly of you. Smile at the world without fear, and I promise, it will smile back at you twice as hard.

Be a bucket filler.

Your energy is on its way back to you.

 - NK