lessons of 2023

For me, 2023 was definitely a year of reflection. A year of rapid-paced change, growth, and inner struggle.

I gained and lost a lot this year.

The transition from high school to college was tough. I made a lot of new friends and faded away from some older ones. I went through two breakups. I visited new places and stepped outside of my comfort zone more times than I can count. I cried a lot, laughed a lot, and made more memories than I ever have in years past.

But I'm thankful for it all. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

A few months ago, I posted a poll on my story asking about what topics readers would like me to write about on this blog. The Asian experience, my anxious attachment style, and Christianity were the most popular choices.

My original plan was to write separate posts for each of those ideas, but I figured I could sort of combine all three into one. I've done an embarrassing amount of staring at the ceiling and pondering my life over the course of winter break so far, so here are my thoughts.

In 2023, I grew to become increasingly aware of my anxious attachment in relationships. According to Google, those who deal with anxious attachment "struggle to feel secure" and "fear being abandoned by people they love."

"While they long to feel close to their partners, this need is often driven by fears of mistrust and low self-esteem". 

In other words, my nervous system is a wreck. I'm an overthinker, and I panic when those I care about start pulling away from me. Whether it be canceling plans, not picking up the phone, or not reaching out first, I find myself interpreting those very normal acts as rejection.

So fun, I know.

As I mentioned before, I went through two breakups this year. One was at the end of February, and the other was fairly recent. I won't go into the nitty-gritty details about why both of those relationships failed, but I can still elaborate on where I personally went wrong.

With both of my exes, I had a really difficult time handling fights. Of course, every couple has their disagreements and challenges; but because of my relationship anxiety, I often found myself spiraling and feeling like I was on the verge of being broken up with.

I was in constant need of reassurance... which ultimately contributed to the downfall of both relationships.

I know it's exhausting having to convince someone that you love them. I know it's draining, and that it takes a lot of emotional availability and mental strength to keep up with an anxiously-attached partner.

When I was in high school, someone once called me a "serial dater."

Which technically... is kinda true. I'm not proud of it, but it is.

In all of my teenage years, I've only been single for about three of them. From the ages of 13 to 19, I've been single for less than half of that time.

As I write this, I'm asking myself why. 

Why do I always find myself latching on to the comfort of another human being? Why am I so afraid of being alone?

It's because of my childhood... I realize that now.

Growing up as an Asian girl in a predominantly white area was challenging. As a child, I felt super self-conscious -- at one point, my racial background was one of my biggest insecurities.

I didn't look like everyone else. I didn't wear the same clothes as everyone else.

I felt different. And not particularly in a good way.

When I was in kindergarten, I remember a group of kids coming up to me on the playground at recess, pulling their eyes back while yelling "ching chong" in my face over and over again. 

"Look, I'm Naomi!" they said.

I immediately thought, what's wrong with my eyes?

Am I ugly? Do people not like me?

While the racism seemed to subside as I grew older, I still felt uncomfortable in my skin. I still felt out of place.

In middle school, I did my best to build my confidence. I loved art, so I focused on improving my skills. I entered and won multiple drawing contests and doodled in my sketchbook in class. At that point in time, I was a complete introvert -- and art was my way of starting conversations without actually having to open my mouth.

And it worked. People began to notice me more.

The compliments boosted my sense of self-worth. Because of all of the validation I had received, I began to feel more sure of myself. I started speaking up in school more. I branched out and tried new activities. I wore whatever I wanted, was outspoken about what I believed, and for the first time in a while, I felt content with who I was.

But then people started to talk again. And instead of it being about my race, it was about everything else.

"What makes her think she's so good at everything?"

People would judge me without even knowing or speaking to me, calling me things like "try hard" and "miss perfect". Even some of my friends at the time thought poorly of me but didn't say anything about it until later on.

When I was younger, I always felt isolated and lost. I never had a real, solid friend group or a true "best friend"... until I met my first long-term boyfriend.

He was the first person who I genuinely connected with. He was the first person who prioritized me and was there for me when it felt like no one else was.

He saw, loved, and accepted me for me.

But then, after a few years, it ended. We were so young, and we simply grew out of one another.

Looking back on it now, that breakup was bittersweet. While it was necessary for both of us to be apart, I'd be lying if I said it was a painless falling out.

My identity was still attached to his. The person who had made me feel so safe was no longer in my life, and I had no clue how to begin picking up the pieces.

So instead of putting in the work to really heal myself and look inward, I continued to seek out other people. I tried to fill the hole I felt in my heart with another boyfriend so that I could feel at ease again.

And... it blew up in my face. Multiple times, haha.

Moral of the story: do not look to other people to make you feel good about yourself. I always thought the whole "love yourself first" notion was just a millennial bumper sticker, but 2023 has truly taught me how important that lesson is.

No amount of reassurance will heal the wound inside of you. You can't rely on another human being to be your emotional crutch.

The void you feel within yourself is what Christians call "your God-shaped hole". While you can try to fill it with worldly, temporary fixes, you won't ever feel complete and content.

If you find yourself feeling empty, pray. Pray, pray, pray.

I know not everyone who is reading this is a believer, but please trust me when I say that God wants to have a relationship with you.

I've labeled myself as a Christian my whole life, but something that I've learned this year is that God is not a genie in a bottle. He's not some grand force that you can call upon whenever things go wrong and beg Him to fix the problems in your life. In order to fill that God-shaped hole, you must run to Him even when things in your life are going well.

Because let's face it -- whenever our lives are feeling positive, we tend to forget about who blessed us in the first place.

While kindness and support from loved ones are important, we must remind ourselves that everyone is imperfect. We all fall short and make mistakes... but God does not.

He is always there and has a perfect plan.

As 2023 comes to a close, I recognize that God wants me to value my independence. Even amidst the chaos of my life, I'm trying to lean on Him and trust that He has better things in store for me.

Because He does. 

Everything happens for a reason.

What is gone will be replaced by something better. If something is meant for you, it will find its way back to you. 

No amount of overthinking is going to change or prevent the future. God is consistently working in our lives and is pushing us forward -- you can never escape or miss out on what He predetermines for you.

If you struggle with feelings of loneliness like I do, take comfort in knowing that you are exactly in the right place. It's okay to be on your own. Relinquish your desire to take control. It's okay to feel lost and confused, and even scared.

Look back on 2023 with an open mind and heart -- what does God want you to learn?

You are strong and capable. While life is complicated and gets twisted up in knots, remember to never stop trying. Never stop loving, and don't allow hate or resentment to build up when things don't turn out the way you want them to.

Both the ups and downs are blessings.

The Lord is always on your side. ALWAYS.

Let things go with grace. Let whatever is to come unfold naturally and without fear or bitterness.

This year has taught me that I still have a lot of healing to do. I have a lot of shit and baggage that I need to learn how to let go. I need to figure out who I am and what it is that I want.

I'm currently figuring out how to stand on my own and feel okay. And though all of the changes I've endured at this point are difficult for me to handle, I'm choosing to look toward the good that I know God has planned for me in 2024.

Learn from your wrongdoings and the hurt you feel. Take accountability for your mistakes and move forward. Don't cower away from doing the work and improving yourself.

Let God do His thing. We are all living for the first time, so be gentle with yourself and those around you.

There is so much joy and love coming your way! Remember, your walk is never a walk alone.

Happy new year <3

- NK